Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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