he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
