I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
