I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
