but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
