It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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