i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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