I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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