I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
