I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
