omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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