Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
