Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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