I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Even my vagina gasped.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
