Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
