Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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