part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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