last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
