New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
