My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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