my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
