my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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