I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
