Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
