I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
