1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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