someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
