the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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