Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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