I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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