On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
babies were throwing up all over the place
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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