and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I understand Curling. That high.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize