I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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