If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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