No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
