just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
