just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
