you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
