i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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