I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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