Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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