paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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