How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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