I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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