if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
