I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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