I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
