My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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