I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
