when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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