you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Randomize
