Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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