So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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