I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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