So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
