Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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