I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
