I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
