This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
