ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
