mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
smell my finger.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
