Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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